hello all. i was just siting he and was think about some interesting personal bible studies i could do.. i need to work on my walk with god... you knwo what i think that i need to tell yalll some history about me huh? might be nice i fyall knew about me. lets ssee where to start how bout jr( me) the young yrs. well i grew up as a jehovahs witness, (which i knwo alot of yall are think, cult people who knock on your doors to try and convert u and dont believe in god or jesus) well yall are wrong. yeah they have there own belief system just like any other chuch,(baptist and methodist dont agree on same traditions do they?) but they whole heartedly believe in jehovah god and his son, they observe the passover and remember the sacrifice that jesus made for us....but anyway im getting off topic here.

I grew up in a strictly run CHRISTIAN family we went to church 3 times a wk, i prayed earnestly to god about things taht concerned me, everyone was impressed by the knowledge that i had of the bible and the questions that i posed. but some of me questions were there, (as in many other denominations since) were kinda chuckled off, told i was wrong , and tha tit ws black and white with now room for any other version or interpretation. (now 10+ yrs later my questions and reflections are being posed by Preachers), but i guess its in gods time right? anyway i was devoted to god, i wanted to become and elder in the church(deacon for those who dont know). Where did i stray? hard to say, i think it started when i saw the two people i was close to start to sdrift away. my dad was.... well truthfully a drunk, workaholic. now im not tring to say he was a bad man, just someone failed and hurt him a long time ago, and he nevet knew how to deal i guess. he poured his energy into his work, came home late worked in the driveway till later. now soem would say he neglected us..., maybe, but in his mind he was doing the best for us, he broke his back and body to support us, but he didnt know how to live with us. had a short fuse and got violent soem times. mom did her best to shield us kids, course i was oldest adn the boy so....i got it hard, to beatings for my sister sometimes... i could take em. i lost my innocence, started hating god for letting things happen like that. dad got worse, mom got "free", dad went "nuts" and it started being like "two rosters in the hen house". I HATED GOD. "i had read to put your trust in him and he would be with you, where was he? why did my family hav eto break up, and my life as i knew it come crashing down? what good could come out of it?" Hard questions for a 13 yr....i was so clouded in myself i just saw what i wantted. how many of you know that feeling? dispair, loneliness, hurt, anger... looking back i lost more than my family..... i ran from my "father" i ran from my dad in heaven, what purpose did i missout on when i turned from him? what plan did he set in motion that i could have been blessed by...did i shove back in his face?

And what did i GAIN? i went down figuring tha i could do what i wantted to. started smoking... started having fleshy desires, watching adult material and subcuming to my desires. met my ex wife, and layed with her...got her pregnent... left school...eventually got married... had 2ndboy, then divorced, ..... another desertion......

for another time i guess... sorry so long how i havent bored yall. bye for now